The Dream

I slept in this morning, and I had one of the most emotional dreams I can remember having in awhile. As I mentioned in my first blog about my Dad, I've had numerous nightmares since his death. This one was different. This one left me waking up still feeling every inch of it, yet it wasn't a nightmare. It was the dream...the vision...I believe that was prayed over me to have the night I was prayed for (that I described in my first blog). I believe it finally came to pass.

They prayed over me to have a vision of my Father, not the nightmares that had been plaguing me being in the room not being able to stop him from shooting himself...not getting to him and the gun in time to save him. His last moments, and being alone crying or what he was feeling while he held that gun. Did he feel alone and unloved? Was he scared? Was he crying as he pulled the trigger? Was he crying out to God? Did he want to call me? Why didn't I call him back when my instincts told me to?! These are the nightmares I have known. I have had that dream many times since his death, waking sweaty and screaming out his name. FINALLY...I dreamt the one they prayed for me to dream. One where I could see he was at peace and okay. My dream was in a house, yet not my own. I stood with my Dad. This dream was not of us in the past it was if it were today, and in the present tense. I just remember how bright it was as we stood in this room of the house, it was so sunny I kept thinking in the dream. So warm too....and there was a beautiful glass sliding door right behind my Dad that let the light stream in and fill the room. I remember I noticed the significance of the light and warmth as much as the presence of my Dad standing in the room with me. In this dream I remember looking at him, and him looking back at me. I remember thinking how I had his eyes and could see myself in looking into those eyes. I remember thinking how much I missed him. I remember talking to him in this dream, and him telling me he loved my Mother, brother, me, his grandchildren and family very much. I remember him saying he was sorry he wasn't there, sorry he had missed things he wanted to see, and just telling me over and over again he loved us. I remember most vividly in my dream I started crying in the dream and telling him I didn't understand...I didn't understand how he could do what he did, how???!!!!!! "I don't understand Dad, I was the last to talk with you, you told me you'd talk to me tomorrow!", I remember in my dream I started crying uncontrollably, somewhat yelling in frustration to his face that I don't understand, and how could he leave us like that! I remember he never got mad or yelled at me, which is how he would have handled it if he'd been here still living. I remember looking up at him and into his eyes, and he was still calm, and he grabbed hold of me and embraced me. It was an embrace he would have given me as protecting his daughter in his arms. He held me and held me in a tight, strong hold, hugging me, and told me he was sorry and he loved me. He kept saying "I love you Sweetpea. I'm so sorry I'm not here...I love you...I love you." He just kept repeating that and repeating it. This part of the dream the embrace were so real and powerful. More than that, something I'll never forget for the rest of my life, is I could smell the scent of his skin! It was real and I was immediately calm in my dream. I could feel with such reality his scent and his strong embrace.

When I was little or even when I'd go visit when he moved away, I remember when I'd wear one of his shirts as a little girl, or when I'd lay down and he'd give me one of his pillows. The scent I recognized of my Dad, and it was calming. This dream was so real. His embrace and scent. I was safe and calm in his arms. Protected and calm again. Just like when I was little and his Sweetpea, running to her Daddy for whatever I needed. I was always a Daddy's girl, and he was my hero when I was little.

I remember in the dream, just feeling like time froze when in his embrace, I could smell the scent of his skin. I can't even describe it. I remember I wasn't crying in his arms, I was peaceful there immediately. I remember he held me for a long time. Then with the same peaceful look on his face he had during my entire dream, he held me in his arms, looked into my eyes, and said, "I love you, but I have to go now." I remember thinking I've never seen a look of peace in my Dads eyes as I was looking at now as he said that to me. Never. I remember even though he had to go, I didn't get anxious, my heart was peaceful now in the dream. I remember watching him go out the glass door and walking into that light that fascinated me by it's brightness and warmth. I remember having my face very close to the glass to watch him until I couldn't see him anymore as he left. Then I looked at the glass on the door and where I'd been breathing on it from my face being so close there were two things in the steam my breathing had left in it's closeness. There was the scripture reference Psalm 23:3, and another scripture that I cannot remember totally, but know it had something to do with having peace of my heart.I woke up from that dream slowly and when I was fully awoke I could still smell the scent of my father and the room was still warm, just like the sunlight in the room where he held me in the dream. His scent filled my entire bedroom as if he were standing in it, and holding me still. I laid there awake afraid to move, because it would go away. Then it finally disappeared, and I jumped out of bed and I reached for my Bible tears streaming down my face, and looked up Psalm 23:3.

He restores my soul;He guides me in the paths of righteousnessFor His name's sake ~ Psalm 23:3

I have meditated on this verse today, and what it means for the dream. I know what I'm struggling with personally in my life since this has happened and the remaining guilt I feel about his death. I know how it has affected relationships, friendships, and trust in my life. I know how it has also affected my relationship with my ever present God. Those are mine to work through with His help. This verse, I feel is a way of telling me my Dad is restored and his soul at peace. I feel God is also telling me he's not giving up on restoring my soul and giving me peace. I feel the brightness and warmth surrounding me was the Spirit of God. I'm not on the walk I was before all this happened, and I'm aware of that. He is too of course! He knows more about me than I do myself! He knows my anger, and frustration not understanding...my grief. But...I feel He's also telling me he's still restoring my soul from everything I still need to work out with it all. He hasn't given up on my restoration, and He's my constant one. The verse I can't fully remember, I remember enough to let me know the peace of my heart was seeing my Dad at peace. To know he's not tortured anymore, and is at peace for the first time ever. I saw the complete serenity in his eyes when I looked into his eyes. Never in all my years, not one day, did I see the look of such peace in my Father's eyes. I can't even describe it. I will never forget this dream, as long as I live.

I praise God that he gave this to me as a vision that was prayed over me months ago. Prayed that I'd see my Dad safe, at peace, and not tortured by depression as he was here. My prayer is to not have anymore nightmares like I did before this dream, but only see my Dad with that peace. I love you Dad, and miss you so much.